Seedy Songs and Rotten Rhymes - the poetry of the playground

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0-9 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

asshole / arsehole song

(ed: versions of this song seem to be the most popular of all the schoolyard rhymes - can't think why! Here we go tho... this'll take some time to go through!! Actually now I look at it again I think most of them should be under their own heading... ah well maybe later.)

First word of a type childhood rhyme that made "clever" use of bad language. There are many different version, some of which are in here under their own headings - I'll let you find them yourselves rather than list them - best of luck.)

Arsehole , arsehole, a soldier I shall be
Fuck you, fuck you for curiosity
I'll fight for the cunt, I'll fight for the cunt
I'll fight for the country

To piss, to piss, two pistols on my knee
Rule Brittania, two monkeys on a stick
One fell down and he landed on his
Prickles grow on bushes, prickles grow on trees,
Prickles grow on young girls legs just above the
Knees up mister Brown one day he went to town
He took a girl behind a bush and pulled her knickers
Down in Alabama where the niggers shovel coal
A nigger shoved a shovel up another nigger's
Holy moses .... it goes on forever I think.

Caroline adds the following:

Two Irishmen, two Irishmen were digging a ditch
One called the other one a dirty son of a...
Beaver, a beaver, sitting on a rock
Along came a bumblebee and stung him on his...
Cocktail, ginger ale, five cents a glass...
If you don't like it, shove it up your...
Ask me no questions, tell me no lies
Bring on the dog turds and we'll make some pies.
Rule Brittannia etc...

Here's an alternate first verse from Meg:

Arsehole, arsehole, a soldier I shall be
Too pissed, too pissed, two pistols on my knee
Fuck you, fuck you, for curiosity
I'll fight for the old cunt, fight for the old cunt, fight for the old country.

She says it is actually a complete song she learned when at university (Oxford, UK), but believes those she learnt it from first heard it in a playground. Unfortunately she can't remember what the tune is really called.

... and there's more... well of *course* there is.... that's what we're here for!...

Mary had a little lamb, she thought it rather silly.
She threw it up in the air and caught it by its...
Willy was a watch dog lying in the grass,
Along came a bee and stung him on the...
Ask no questions, tell no lies,
I saw a policemen doing up his...
Flies are pests, bees are worse,
That's the end of my little verse.

from West London comes another version, which is similar, yet different enough:

Mary had a little lamb, she thought it rather silly;
She threw it up into the air and caught it by its
Willy was a watchdog sitting in the grass
Along came a rattlesnake and bit him up the
Ask no questions tell no lies
Have you seen the Chinamen doing up their
Flies are a nuisance fleas are worse
And that is the end of my silly little verse.

... and even from South Africa (circa 1955)..

Ask your mother for sixpence
to see the new giraffe
With pimples on his nose
and pimples on his arse.

and... yes... there's more!:

My mother had a baby, she called him Tiny Tim,
She took him to the lavatory to see if he could swim,
He swam to the bottom, he swam to the top,
When he swam to the surface she grabbed him by the
Cock-tails, shandies, two and six a glass,
If you don't like them, I'll shove them up your
Ask no questions tell no lies,
I saw a policeman doing up his,
Flies are a nuisance, bees are even worse,
I saw a doctor lying on a nurse....etc.

A variant to the first lines was sent in by Chris Jackson - oddly enough he'd left all the "u's" out.... I wonder why? Maybe he thought *we* were sensitive?:

I married a cunt I married a cunt,
I married a country woman,
Fuck you, fuck you, for curiosity ...

Another variant for the first verse:

Fucking, Fucking, For king and country

How about this alternate ending sent in by Holly:

After "tell me no more lies..." you say.

The cows are in the pasture, eating chocolate pies.
They have a brand new flavor called cherry coconut
And if you do not like it, they'll shove it up your butt!

And yet another variation!

My sister went to the doctor,
The doctor he was drunk,
He got a six foot needle and shoved it up her....
Country girls, country girls,
Lying in the grass,
Go to a tree and teach 'em how to....
Peter had a boat, the boat began to rock,
Up jumped jaws and bit off his....
Cocktails, gingerales, 40c a glass,
If u dont like it, we'll shove 'em up your....
Ask no questions, tell no lies,
I once saw a policeman doing up his. ....
Flies are bad, mosquitoes are worse,

And that is the end of my silly little verse.

Another verse:

.....two pistols on my knee
A fart, a fart, afar to wander free
fuck you, etc....

(ed: my apologies for the unpleasantly racist lines in some of the poems, but they were part of the original songs in less enlightened times. Also thanks to Caroline, both Paul's, Pete and Yohan, Meg et al for their lines...but there are still many more lines... and all are needed if anyone knows them???)

p.s. I think it's time to make one definitive collection here!)

Canadian version
Asshole, Asshole,
A Soldier I will be.
To piss, to piss,
Two pistols by my knee.

Fuck you, FUCK YOU,
For curiosity,
As we fight for the old cunt,
Fight for the old cunt,
Fight for the old country!

Her ass, her ass,
Harass them in the dark.
Eat shit, eat shit,
Each hit will find its mark.

A whore, A WHORE,
A horse will carry me,
As we fight for the old cunt,
Fight for the old cunt,
Fight for the old country!

Scottish Version:

(ed: this is a song the contributor used to sing at school (Central Scotland) coming up to any holiday (first line makes much more sense sung in Scottish accent)

Ah want ma hole, Ah want ma hole, ah want ma holidays,
To see the cunt, to see the cunt, to see the country,
Fuck you, fuck you, for curiosity,
Ah want ma hole, Ah want ma hole, ah want ma holidays!

(ed: I asked for 'more please'... and Mike P sent this one in...

On the subject of 'Arsehole', and related rhymes, this was 'collected' in St. Thomas' School, Sevenoaks, England in 1957:

I took my girl to the station
To see the engines shunt
A spark flew out from the engine
And hit her in the
Country girls are pretty,
They fling their legs
Right over their heads
And show their dirty
Dickie was a bulldog,
He ate a lot of grass.
Some came out his ears
And some came out his
Ask me no questions,
I'll tell you no lies:
I once saw Elvis
Doing up his
Flies are a nuisance,
Fleas are worse -
That's the end
Of my little verse.

And another couple of verses from Tabby...

Ms. Suzy had a baby,
She named him Tiny Tim
She took him the the bathtub
To see if he could swim

He drank up all the water
He ate up all the soap
He tried to eat the bathtub
But it wouldn't go down his throat

And also...

Ms. Suzy had a steamboat
The steamboat had bell
Ms. Suzy went the heaven
The steamboat went to
Hello operator
Give me number nine
If you disconnect me
I'll kick you from
Behind the fridgerator
There was a piece of glass
Ms. Suzy sat upon it
And broke her little
Ask me no more questions
Tell me no more lies
The boys are in the bathroom
Zipping up their
Flies are in the meadow
Bees are in the hives
Ms. Suzy and her boyfriend
Are kissing in the D A R K
Darker than the ocean
Darker than the sea
Darker than the black boys looking at ME!

Source: circa 1950's - current, CAN, UK (Scot.)(W)... well everywhere really :)