Hymns and Arias (well ok - Dirty Ditties, Rugby Songs and Chants)

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A B C D E F G H I J L M N O P R S T U V W Y

Bastard King of England

(ed: sung to "The Irish Washerwoman")

Oh, the minstrels sing of an English King
Of many long years ago,
He ruled his land with an iron hand,
Though his mind was weak and slow.
He loved to hunt the royal stag,
Around the royal wood,
But better by far he loved to sit,
And pound the royal pud.

*Chorus*
He was lousy and dirty and covered in fleas,
The hair on his balls hung down to his knees,
And he had his women in twos and threes.
God bless the Bastard King of England.

Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous Jane,
And a sprightly wench was she,
She longed to fool with the royal tool,
From far across the sea.
So she sent a royal message,
With a royal messenger,
To invite the King of England down,
To spend the night with her.

*Chorus*

Now 'ol' Philip of France he heard by chance,
Within his royal court,
And he swore, "She loves my rival best,
Because my tool is short,
So he hurried off to Spain,
Where he did the deed again,
To give the Queen a dose of clap,
To pass it on to the Bastard King of England.

*Chorus*

When news of this foul deed was heard,
Within the royal halls,
The King he swore by the royal whore,
He'd have to Frenchman's balls.
He offered half the royal purse,
And a piece of the Queen Hortense,
To any British subject,
Who could do the King of France.

*Chorus*

So the noble Duke of Middlesex,
He took himself to France,
He swore he was a fairy,
So the king let drop his pants,
Then on Philip's dong he slipped a throng,
Leaped on his horse and galloped along,
Dragging the Frenchman back,
To merry old England.

*Chorus*

When the returned to London town,
Within fair England's shores,
Because of the ride King Philip's pride,
Was stretched a yard or more.
And all the whores in silken drawers,
Came down to London town,
And shouted round the battlements,
"To hell with the British Crown."

*Chorus*

And Philip alone usurped the throne,
His scepter was his royal bone,
With which he ditched the Bastard King of England.

*Chorus*

Rule Britannia, Marmalade and jam,
Five Chinese crackers up your arsehole,
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.